Today I did not run
Today I did not keep my promise not to cry about one thing or another.
Today I did not stop myself from feeling inferior.
Today I did not allow myself to give in.
Today I did not miss the people who hurt me.
I'm madly in love with my b.i.l. Bobby right now.
Last night I walked into my room and there was a new printer AND a tiny printer that I can plug my memory card from my camera into. Talk about heaven...
So I experimented a little and printed off some of my fav cali pictures and (of course) some Maggie pictures. I am really so pumped.
A guy I work with has been after me to sell some of my photography for a long time and today when I showed him the pictures he just looked at me and goes, "I still don't understand why you're not trying to sell this stuff."
I guess it's just the fear that I'm mediocre. I mean, I obviously love my photography, it makes me feel good about the things in my life, makes me feel like I'm doing something. I don't want to be mediocre. I think that has always been one of my biggest fears...
I suppose the only way I'll ever figure it out is if I actually try...
I ran today.
And nearly had heart failure.
According to Tom I must continue to nearly die via heartattack daily until I can finally run and be in shape.
Ugh.
Prepare for more die-age tomorrow.
(records)
I feel more myself today than I have in a long time.
I'm not too worried about WHY this is...because that would stress me out. I could list at least 10 reasons why.
This weekend has been different in so many ways.
First of all Sarah and I got up Saturday morning, had coffee, drove to Easley where there is a very fantastic antique shop. We ended up buying six or seven records, even though we don't have a record player. Everything from "Jesus Christ: Superstar" to Barbara Streisand to "Christmas with Colonel Sanders". I also bought a fantastic Pucci-esque scarf that I have every intention of wearing wrapped around my head. I also found a beautiful teal-ish vase that I wanted to buy very, very badly, but I'm trying to be responsible with my cash so I decided not too...this time. (Sarah goes in there more than me, so I told her to keep an eye on it...)
A Few Photos from the Antique Shop
(me with my teal vase and the super fantastic clothing area- there's a faux fur coat in that mix that I WILL be returning to purchase...)
(a very pretty Spanish looking lady and a pink party dress)
We then went and ate at a fantastic little sandwich shop, had a pimento cheese panini with bacon, tomato, and little strawberries on the side. Very yum.
Then I explained to Sarah my aversion to going back to school. It's a complicated one and one I don't really feel like expounding on now (because I want to go visit with Maggie before it gets too late). But in essence, I am feeling like I have found a point in my life where I can actually have something stable. A stable house. A stable job. Stable friends (in every sense of the word). Stable everything. And I don't want to let go of it just yet.
Now, for those of you who will read this and freak out and ask me wtf I'm thinking... Trust me, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I actually have control of what's going on around me, and it feels fantastic.
Also, today, I made a collage. It's been a while. Actually, I haven't made one since Mama left. She used to love my collages, she always thought they were amazing, especially when they were ironic. The one I made wasn't that big of a deal, just my favorite California pictures, and I printed them, arranged them on black posterboard and hung it over my bed. But just doing that made me happy.
Another thing. I actually wrote a short story of sorts this afternoon. It's been more than eight months since I've done that.
And I hope something else continues that is making me happy... :)
(my collage)
Nice guys still exist.
I know.
I met one.
And I'm completely flabbergasted.
In a good way. :-)
Somewhere between the time i left work and the time i got home had a complete crash and ended up putting on pjs and going to bed.
Cancelled therapy, skipped out on homegroup...everything.
I feel bad about home group because I really like all of them... :-(
Other than that I don't feel bad. I really think the nap did me good. I woke up around 8:30ish and Sarah and Bobby were chattering in the kitchen and American Idol was blaring dramatically in the back ground and some sort of tuna concoction was on the stove, a casserole i think? It was yummy. Then Jennifer, Tom and Maggie dropped in, and maggie sat on Sarah's lap and grinned at me with her growing assortment of teeth (she's verging on 3 now...whoaaaa).
I'm glad I slept through my ickyness this time. I know I can't do it all the time, but tonight it was the best thing I could've done. No pretend. No heavy thoughts. Just a little Album Leaf and wonderful sleep.
xoxo
Also I noted a few weeks ago that I would start having a jammed pack weekly schedule to keep me busy.
This week:
Monday - Group Therapy (yay!)
Tuesday - HomeGroup/Bible Study/Socializing...thing
Wednesday - Movie with DaveLee
Thursday - Dinner with ex-roomies
Friday - TBD - hopefully nothing that involves an "end of the year" party because that will put me face-to-face with people I have been doing very well at avoiding... Ugh.
Saturday - Get my dang bike fixed and RIDE IT.
Overall weekly goal - Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.
Hooray for me.
xoxo
Group therapy again.
And I can say that I didn't leave this time feeling completely horrible. Last time was "sharing" time. Where people gave as many (or as few) terrible details as they wanted. It left me heavy. Very heavy. I didn't want to share. I still don't want to share. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever share...at least for a very long time.
Anyway, tonight was about moving on, picking up, not "feeling better", but getting used to the feeling.
I've also noticed that I like this sandwiched between two doses of churchish type things. I went to church last night and Kathryn came with me (which was fun, I like going with her :-)) and she said something that is quite true... "I feel like I'm watching stand-up comedy." So so so so true. Now, it IS NOT always like that, it just happened to be a rather awkward subject - Sex. Yes, my church talks about sex. Openly. So does the Song of Solomen. ;-) tehe.
Anyway, tonight was better. A lot better.
I'm not going to go home and feel tempted to revert to my pill crushing, dust snorting ways.
I'd say that's an improvement.
Off to VA for the weekend.
No cell service.
No connection.
Nothing.
But plenty of post-dated posts to come. Be prepared. I have like five billion thoughts and no time to write them.
Should def be making time.
xoxo
I believe in shoptherapy.
I believe in the pair of shorts, shirt dress, high-waist pencil skirt, cream peasant dress, gold flipflops, and wooden pendent necklace I bought today.
I believe in being shallow today because my brain is to tired to think.
And I believe in sharing it with the great wide world of all 10 (...ha) of my readers.
Some days, people, this is all you're gonna get...
Love it.
Hate it.
See it.
I am it.
xoxo
So i came very close to using my blog for less-than honorable things last night:
The launching of a campaign to attack someone's reputation, etc.
I'm glad I didn't.
Then again I wish I had.
At least you can delete a blog post.
"Love grows a fear
I was looking through the things I wrote while I was in California.
I definitely see a change in myself since those things. I'm not sure if it's all good.
I feel like I noticed things more then. I guess it was because I knew no one, sat on a beach all day with my notebook and the seagulls and watched every moving thing under the cover of my huge sunglasses.
And I thought about things more. And I wrote about them.
And then I stopped. And started a blog.
I think that even with this blog, something I strive to keep honest, I am filtering filtering filteringgg.
When I started this blog I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be, a continuation of my California notebook but back at home?
I can't write on here like I did in that book. Because even thought its the sort of thing where I feel like it's all mine, there are people reading it, and no matter how much of an individualist I am (or think I am), and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care... I do.
There ladies and gentlemen.
I said it.
I care what you think. I care what he thinks. I care what she thinks.
And I am filtering my words. Choosing them carefully to take out the offensive ones, putting in the refined, smooth, socially-acceptable verbs, adverbs, adjectives, nouns, et cetera, et cetera, and so on and so forth...
And even by writing on this very subject I am somehow eluding the very thing that is bothering me just now.
And the games go on.
I miss the girl I was on the brink of becoming in California. Maybe one day she'll start to come back, and this time, she won't leave...
Group therapy.
Not a pretty word but that's what it was.
I guess I'm not the only slightly jacked-up individual in the world after all.
Thank youuu
"Now and then when I get an idea for a picture, I think, how ordinary. Why paint that old rock? Why not go for a walk instead? But then I realise that to someone else it may not seem so ordinary." - Georgia O'Keefe
went to Dunkin Donuts this morning with Jennifer and Sarah.
Confused the people behind the counter (not that big of a surprise)
and later enjoyed my "everything" bagel with cream cheese, while sarah and jennifer ate their blueberry muffins and we watched "Elizabeth: the Golden Age" (excellent movie)
What a fantastic Saturday morning (seriously)
and now I'm off to visit Karee at her school (hooray!)
(an empty dining area...because we were holding everyone up at the register. Oh us!)
A special thank you to my darling sister Sarah, who made meatless spaghetti last night.
Thank you for supporting my pseudo-vegetarianism.
tehe xoxo
