A list for starters...

Everybody has lows and highs right? But what happens when your lows get so ridiculously low that you can't even seen the beginning of a high?  Well, I'm kind of in that spot right now where it seems impossible to see beyond the suck. So, I decided to list things that I like and that make me happy, no matter how frivolous, superficial, or trivial they may be:

1. New Season of Project Runway (okay so that shouldn't be number one, but I was just watching TV and saw the preview for tonight's show... tehe)

2. My painted ladder that is doubling as my shoe rack...still a work in progress, but I like it.

3. Sarah and Bobby

3. Maggie

5. Jennifer and Tom

4. Daddy (and his super cool sister, aka, Aunt Gin)

 5. California

6. Mama, even though she's not here anymore, I still had/have the most amazing mother in the world.

7. Turner Classic Movie channel (Watching The Apartment with young Shirley MacLaine and Jack Lemmon)

8. Orange and pink Dunkin Donuts straws.  They make me happy.

8. Oscar and Kobe, even though I find random doggie hairs my dresses in the closet that I haven't worn in 3 months. 

Okay, so that's the beginning of my list.  I am saying "Yes, Please" to good things and hopefully they'll stay around... or at least the good mood brought on by good things.

overrr

Grief counseling complete.
Um, excuse me Betty Boop, shouldn't we get a diploma.
P.s. You're awesome.

my awesome b.i.l. and photographs

I'm madly in love with my b.i.l. Bobby right now.

Last night I walked into my room and there was a new printer AND a tiny printer that I can plug my memory card from my camera into. Talk about heaven...

So I experimented a little and printed off some of my fav cali pictures and (of course) some Maggie pictures. I am really so pumped.

A guy I work with has been after me to sell some of my photography for a long time and today when I showed him the pictures he just looked at me and goes, "I still don't understand why you're not trying to sell this stuff."

I guess it's just the fear that I'm mediocre. I mean, I obviously love my photography, it makes me feel good about the things in my life, makes me feel like I'm doing something. I don't want to be mediocre. I think that has always been one of my biggest fears...

I suppose the only way I'll ever figure it out is if I actually try...

what is prayer?

Home group was tonight.

The topic was prayer.

Very broad, but what is prayer? I looked it up on dictionary.com (because i'm a complete nerd) and just to cut and paste this is what I found.

prayer –noun

1.	a devout petition to God or an object of worship.

2.	a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession.

3. a formula or sequence of words used in or appointed for praying; the Lord's prayer.
4. prayers, a religious observance, either public or private, consisting wholly or mainly of prayer
5. that which is prayed for.
6. a petition; entreaty
7. the section of a bill in equity, or of a petition, that sets forth the complaint or action desired.

See?

I AM

So i would like to make a statement.
The word of the week is Vagina.
Why? You may ask.
Because last night Koti and I went and saw the Vagina Monologues and it was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. It was amazing. Completely amazing.

I walked out of that theatre feeling so empowered, so beautiful, so special, and so proud to be a woman. I felt like demanding the respect, getting rid of those who haven't given it to me, making people work to be in my life. I felt like trusting people unconditionally, loving the people I care about that have hurt me, leaving all of my inhabitions in the floor of that theatre.

Maybe it wouldn't affect everyone like that, but I guess in the place where I am, with getting rid of a certain someone who never loved or respected me when I waited and waited...and waited, aaaand waited, with shoving away the people who have hurt me, I needed to be replenished... I needed to be reminded why I should be proud of who I am. It's funny that earlier that afternoon Sarah had told me when she was kind of going through a similiar situation with a yucky boy she would write a series of statements, an affirmation of sorts, of who she was, what she wanted, why she wanted it, and then I went to see this phenomanal performance all based on being WOMAN, and being PROUD, not making EXCUSES, not feeling ASHAMED. EMBRACING.


I AM SUSANNA WEATHERS
I may be twenty going on forty, but my birthday hasn't come yet, and I may grow younger still.
I am talented.
And I will no longer be shy about it.
I can draw.
I can paint.
I can play musical instruments.
Four of them.
Maybe not well, but enough to satisfy my thirst to play.
Violin, Guitar, Mandolin, Piano.
I love my style.
I know I dress well, because it makes me happy... not because it's what other people like.
I HAVE A MOTHER.
Not, used to have
I HAVE A MOTHER.
Her name is Denise.
And she loves me more than anything else in this world.
Because I am a part of her.
So are my sisters, Jennifer and Sarah.
They are the most beautiful woman on this earth.
We are unstoppable.
Sometimes I get frightened.
Sometimes I get angry.
Sometimes I throw my high heels.
Sometimes I am a bitch.
Sometimes I misdirect my anger.
Sometimes I am sorry for it.
Today, I AM NOT SORRY.
This is me.
Take me.
Love me.
Hate me.
See me.
I AM SUSANNA WEATHERS.

this is what a brick to the head feels like

Disclaimer - What other people keep inside i sometimes explode onto a piece of paper. It's healthier that way, better than say crushing hydrocodone and snorting it right?
here it goes...the reason why i will probably have to upgrade my blog to "adult content" or whatever. But I guess I am an adult now, without a mother you're not a child anymore right?

Untitled (or a poem to hate to)
they say love is a thin line away from hate i'd say fuck that, that's not the way it is now on this date here's to hoping you fall asleep and stop breathing but i hope it's not painless i hope you're bleeding on the inside like when you reached inside me and told me the world was just for us to be just friends is what you said and then we kissed and there was ice burning at the other end.
in every word that escapes me I can't tell you feel the disgust i hope the next time you slit your wrists you press a little harder the next time you take a jump you jump a little farther next time you think you love her you have a fucking daughter i hope you watch her (you know) you'd feel like me i wish you'd rip your heart out and then you'd see a fraction of what was what is what will never be i hope you hear every word i say and i hope you know it's all about you but even if it wasn't you'd still say it was true
cause you're just like that you think the world is you you're the world green, black, and blue and you think that nothing's true that this was all just false but i still stayed close... ...I Trusted You...

Lesson of Life (that i'm pretty sure most humans have learned, everyone except me) - don't trust anyone until they've proven they're worth it and don't continue to trust them when they've proved they're not...

A Lesson on How the Earth Began

God came home to his house today and it was burned straight to the ground And sat there and he touched that ash and didn’t make a sound He had made a man and gave him pain so that he’d know how to feel To feel the rip inside his chest, to find a way to kill…

To kill the thoughts of what he meant and what he never said To watch them all just walk away to give them up for dead And now he sits all alone with his ash blacked golden feet And knows that he did today was nothing short of sweet

God came home to his house today and found her with man of men He pulled a knife from a cutlery rack and stared right at their sin It was spread across the cotton sheets a hair or two not his And he closed his eyes and took a breathe and killed her with his kiss

To kiss a girl so pretty sweet light and feathered thin To watch her just walk away, sun glowing on her skin Now he sits all alone just staring at her face Glass plastic film and wooden frame taken from its place.

God came home to his house today and first created fire It was the only thing you see that could match his desire He watched the flames flicker out, in and out of there And watched the flames leap lick up and singe her crystal hair

To light a match to burn it out the one thing he loved the most To light a match and watch her burn, and blow away the smoke Now he sits all alone in there with his ash blacked golden feet And he knows what he did today was nothing short of sweet. Yes, he knows what he did today was nothing short of sweet.