Today I did not run
Today I did not keep my promise not to cry about one thing or another.
Today I did not stop myself from feeling inferior.
Today I did not allow myself to give in.
Today I did not miss the people who hurt me.
I'm madly in love with my b.i.l. Bobby right now.
Last night I walked into my room and there was a new printer AND a tiny printer that I can plug my memory card from my camera into. Talk about heaven...
So I experimented a little and printed off some of my fav cali pictures and (of course) some Maggie pictures. I am really so pumped.
A guy I work with has been after me to sell some of my photography for a long time and today when I showed him the pictures he just looked at me and goes, "I still don't understand why you're not trying to sell this stuff."
I guess it's just the fear that I'm mediocre. I mean, I obviously love my photography, it makes me feel good about the things in my life, makes me feel like I'm doing something. I don't want to be mediocre. I think that has always been one of my biggest fears...
I suppose the only way I'll ever figure it out is if I actually try...
I ran today.
And nearly had heart failure.
According to Tom I must continue to nearly die via heartattack daily until I can finally run and be in shape.
Ugh.
Prepare for more die-age tomorrow.
(records)
I feel more myself today than I have in a long time.
I'm not too worried about WHY this is...because that would stress me out. I could list at least 10 reasons why.
This weekend has been different in so many ways.
First of all Sarah and I got up Saturday morning, had coffee, drove to Easley where there is a very fantastic antique shop. We ended up buying six or seven records, even though we don't have a record player. Everything from "Jesus Christ: Superstar" to Barbara Streisand to "Christmas with Colonel Sanders". I also bought a fantastic Pucci-esque scarf that I have every intention of wearing wrapped around my head. I also found a beautiful teal-ish vase that I wanted to buy very, very badly, but I'm trying to be responsible with my cash so I decided not too...this time. (Sarah goes in there more than me, so I told her to keep an eye on it...)
A Few Photos from the Antique Shop
(me with my teal vase and the super fantastic clothing area- there's a faux fur coat in that mix that I WILL be returning to purchase...)
(a very pretty Spanish looking lady and a pink party dress)
We then went and ate at a fantastic little sandwich shop, had a pimento cheese panini with bacon, tomato, and little strawberries on the side. Very yum.
Then I explained to Sarah my aversion to going back to school. It's a complicated one and one I don't really feel like expounding on now (because I want to go visit with Maggie before it gets too late). But in essence, I am feeling like I have found a point in my life where I can actually have something stable. A stable house. A stable job. Stable friends (in every sense of the word). Stable everything. And I don't want to let go of it just yet.
Now, for those of you who will read this and freak out and ask me wtf I'm thinking... Trust me, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I actually have control of what's going on around me, and it feels fantastic.
Also, today, I made a collage. It's been a while. Actually, I haven't made one since Mama left. She used to love my collages, she always thought they were amazing, especially when they were ironic. The one I made wasn't that big of a deal, just my favorite California pictures, and I printed them, arranged them on black posterboard and hung it over my bed. But just doing that made me happy.
Another thing. I actually wrote a short story of sorts this afternoon. It's been more than eight months since I've done that.
And I hope something else continues that is making me happy... :)
(my collage)
Nice guys still exist.
I know.
I met one.
And I'm completely flabbergasted.
In a good way. :-)
Somewhere between the time i left work and the time i got home had a complete crash and ended up putting on pjs and going to bed.
Cancelled therapy, skipped out on homegroup...everything.
I feel bad about home group because I really like all of them... :-(
Other than that I don't feel bad. I really think the nap did me good. I woke up around 8:30ish and Sarah and Bobby were chattering in the kitchen and American Idol was blaring dramatically in the back ground and some sort of tuna concoction was on the stove, a casserole i think? It was yummy. Then Jennifer, Tom and Maggie dropped in, and maggie sat on Sarah's lap and grinned at me with her growing assortment of teeth (she's verging on 3 now...whoaaaa).
I'm glad I slept through my ickyness this time. I know I can't do it all the time, but tonight it was the best thing I could've done. No pretend. No heavy thoughts. Just a little Album Leaf and wonderful sleep.
xoxo
Also I noted a few weeks ago that I would start having a jammed pack weekly schedule to keep me busy.
This week:
Monday - Group Therapy (yay!)
Tuesday - HomeGroup/Bible Study/Socializing...thing
Wednesday - Movie with DaveLee
Thursday - Dinner with ex-roomies
Friday - TBD - hopefully nothing that involves an "end of the year" party because that will put me face-to-face with people I have been doing very well at avoiding... Ugh.
Saturday - Get my dang bike fixed and RIDE IT.
Overall weekly goal - Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.
Hooray for me.
xoxo
Group therapy again.
And I can say that I didn't leave this time feeling completely horrible. Last time was "sharing" time. Where people gave as many (or as few) terrible details as they wanted. It left me heavy. Very heavy. I didn't want to share. I still don't want to share. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever share...at least for a very long time.
Anyway, tonight was about moving on, picking up, not "feeling better", but getting used to the feeling.
I've also noticed that I like this sandwiched between two doses of churchish type things. I went to church last night and Kathryn came with me (which was fun, I like going with her :-)) and she said something that is quite true... "I feel like I'm watching stand-up comedy." So so so so true. Now, it IS NOT always like that, it just happened to be a rather awkward subject - Sex. Yes, my church talks about sex. Openly. So does the Song of Solomen. ;-) tehe.
Anyway, tonight was better. A lot better.
I'm not going to go home and feel tempted to revert to my pill crushing, dust snorting ways.
I'd say that's an improvement.
Off to VA for the weekend.
No cell service.
No connection.
Nothing.
But plenty of post-dated posts to come. Be prepared. I have like five billion thoughts and no time to write them.
Should def be making time.
xoxo
I believe in shoptherapy.
I believe in the pair of shorts, shirt dress, high-waist pencil skirt, cream peasant dress, gold flipflops, and wooden pendent necklace I bought today.
I believe in being shallow today because my brain is to tired to think.
And I believe in sharing it with the great wide world of all 10 (...ha) of my readers.
Some days, people, this is all you're gonna get...
Love it.
Hate it.
See it.
I am it.
xoxo
So i came very close to using my blog for less-than honorable things last night:
The launching of a campaign to attack someone's reputation, etc.
I'm glad I didn't.
Then again I wish I had.
At least you can delete a blog post.
"Love grows a fear
I was looking through the things I wrote while I was in California.
I definitely see a change in myself since those things. I'm not sure if it's all good.
I feel like I noticed things more then. I guess it was because I knew no one, sat on a beach all day with my notebook and the seagulls and watched every moving thing under the cover of my huge sunglasses.
And I thought about things more. And I wrote about them.
And then I stopped. And started a blog.
I think that even with this blog, something I strive to keep honest, I am filtering filtering filteringgg.
When I started this blog I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be, a continuation of my California notebook but back at home?
I can't write on here like I did in that book. Because even thought its the sort of thing where I feel like it's all mine, there are people reading it, and no matter how much of an individualist I am (or think I am), and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care... I do.
There ladies and gentlemen.
I said it.
I care what you think. I care what he thinks. I care what she thinks.
And I am filtering my words. Choosing them carefully to take out the offensive ones, putting in the refined, smooth, socially-acceptable verbs, adverbs, adjectives, nouns, et cetera, et cetera, and so on and so forth...
And even by writing on this very subject I am somehow eluding the very thing that is bothering me just now.
And the games go on.
I miss the girl I was on the brink of becoming in California. Maybe one day she'll start to come back, and this time, she won't leave...
Group therapy.
Not a pretty word but that's what it was.
I guess I'm not the only slightly jacked-up individual in the world after all.
Thank youuu
"Now and then when I get an idea for a picture, I think, how ordinary. Why paint that old rock? Why not go for a walk instead? But then I realise that to someone else it may not seem so ordinary." - Georgia O'Keefe
went to Dunkin Donuts this morning with Jennifer and Sarah.
Confused the people behind the counter (not that big of a surprise)
and later enjoyed my "everything" bagel with cream cheese, while sarah and jennifer ate their blueberry muffins and we watched "Elizabeth: the Golden Age" (excellent movie)
What a fantastic Saturday morning (seriously)
and now I'm off to visit Karee at her school (hooray!)
(an empty dining area...because we were holding everyone up at the register. Oh us!)
A special thank you to my darling sister Sarah, who made meatless spaghetti last night.
Thank you for supporting my pseudo-vegetarianism.
tehe xoxo
How much energy does your elevator use?
I work on the 3rd floor and for no other reason then the fact that I sit at a desk all day and have minimal physical activity, I've started taking the stairs.
And today while I was taking the stairs (and thinking about my Earth-saving endeavors) I stared wondering how much energy I was using to climb the stairs (and the positive benefit in regards to calories).
Then I started thinking about how much energy it took to carry me in a metal box up to the third floor...
Will research and present in a nice pie graph for the world's viewing pleasure.
P.s. Free Tibet.
The line is blurred between "Anti-Chinese government" protest and "Anti-Olympic" protest.
These two terms have collided as of late with the tour of the Olympic flame. The main terms being thrown around are anti-communism, pro-freedom, "Free Tibet", pro-China, anti-Olympics, pro-Olympics, etc., and so on and so forth. But what is the real issue?
Yesterday, in light of world-wide protests, the International Olympic Committee posted a statement on their website:
<br>
"Freedom of expression is a basic human right"
The rest of the article is a big BUT....
"But we do ask that there is no propaganda nor demonstrations at Olympic Games venues for the very good and simple reason that we have 205 countries and territories represented, many of whom are in conflict, and the Games are not the place to take political nor religious stances."
I do agree with this...mostly. By its history, the Olympics is a place where all differences - political and religious - are set aside.
So why did I add a 'mostly'? I don't really think this is about politics. In my opinion this is about basic Human Rights.
At this point I will reference the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, as adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nations in 1948. The first paragraphs of the Preamble reads (I took the liberty of making a few phrases bold):
Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,
Whereas disregard and contempt for human rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of mankind, and the advent of a world in which human beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of the common people,
Whereas it is essential, if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression, that human rights should be protected by the rule of law...
There it is ladies and gentleman.
Focusing in on the Tibet situation. The people of Tibet have spoken. They have chosen "rebellion against tyranny and oppression". One would think that China, a MEMBER OF THE UNITED NATION'S SECURITY COUNCIL, a permanent member, must realize what has happened. The people of Tibet are acting on their rights. They have found that they are being oppressed, the victim sof tyranny. There is no justice, no freedom, and no peace in their situation. They are rebelling. It is their right.
So where does this tie into the Olympics?
Where does it not tie into the Olympics?
The Olympics are being hosted by a country that seems to reject every aspect of "human rights". Are humans not the competitors in these sporting events? Are they not the supporters? It think it is important that people realize the term "anti-Olympic" is grossly inaccurate and wrong. These people are not "anti-Olympic". They are simply pointing out the fact that there is a double-standard being presented.
This double standard was rejected in Moscow in the 1980s. Now, it would take a whole book to compare the two situations. Why did the U.S. reject the Moscow Olympic Games? But not the Beijing Olympics? One word: Economics. But, like I said, a whole book could be written on that topic...
I guess the point of this is that I am tired of people confusing what is going on here. This is a Human Rights issue, not an people rejecting the Olympics. I feel the Olympics simply brought the spotlight to a long existing problem. I just hope that once the Olympics have left the People's Republic of China, that the world doesn't forget what is going on there. And I have a feeling that is exactly what will happen...
Links:
"Freedom of expression is a basic Human Right"
http://www.olympic.org/uk/news/olympic_news/full_story_uk.asp?id=2535
Universal Declaration of Human Rights
http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html
So I made it. So proud.
I had oatmeal for breakfast, bananas & graham crackers for snacks, pasta ziti marinara (no meat, duh), a sugar cookie, oatmeal again (between therapy and homegroup - what a combo), and then I stopped by the thai restaurant and got sautéed veggies with rice.
Congrats to me. Now, let's see if I can make it through day 2?
I think I can.
xoxo
Home group was tonight.
The topic was prayer.
Very broad, but what is prayer? I looked it up on dictionary.com (because i'm a complete nerd) and just to cut and paste this is what I found.
prayer –noun
| 1. | a devout petition to God or an object of worship. |
| 2. | a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession. |
So I have decided that for one week I am going to be a vegetarian. More specifically an "ovo-lactovegetarian." According to my research this is a vegetarian whose diet includes eggs and dairy products such as low-fat/skim milk and cheese.
I also discovered that I am apparently all ready a "semi-vegetarian" because I avoid red meats and stay more towards white meats, like the steroid-free/organic chicken and fish.
Why am I doing this? I am looking for a new, more fulfilling lifestyle. I know that sounds cliche and maybe not even a good enough reason. But I really do believe the (even more cliche) saying "You are what you eat." If you eat heavy foods, you'll feel heavier, and probably will be heavier. It also freaks me out when you go to the grocery, or order some dish with chicken at a resturaunt, and you get a chicken breast the size of my two fists put together. That can't be healthy.
So I'm researching and quite excited about my new endeavor.
To anyone that is already doing this and has words of wisdom - pass them on. :-)
Hi, my name is Bottled Water.
I am made of polyethylene terephthalate…which you might know as crude oil.
I am so popular it takes 17+ million barrels of oil annually to make, produce, and transport me.
You probably think I’m healthier than tap water, but there’s a 40% chance I began as tap water and was mixed with minerals that have no proven health benefit.
Drink to much of those minerals and you could face some health problems.
My production is less regulated than the maintenance of tap water.
There is an 86% chance that I will become garbage or litter.
Burn me and I will emit chlorine gas and heavy-metal ash into the atmosphere.
Bury me and I will take 1,000 years to biodegrade.
Try to recycle me and I could be exported all the way to China – adding to the unnecessary use of resources.
Thinking of reusing me? Look up the term “leaching.”
Hi, my name is Bottled Water.
Want to use me? I don’t cost that much…
Most of these fun facts came from
http://www.earth-policy.org/Updates/2006/Update51.htm
And also an array of other website found through Googling the terms “leaching”, “water bottle+health”, “water bottle+statistics”, and “water bottle+CNN”
Lazy sunday that probably shouldn't have been lazy.
Laid in the hammock in the back corner of the yard and read a book for a little and then almost immediately fell asleep. woke up 2ish hours later.
My goal this week is to make me have something to do every week in the evening after I get off work. Not because I necessarily want to, but just so my life won't consist of only work. I DO NOT want to become my job. ew.
So here's my schedule and it's not really fun/entertaining, but it is kind of "funny" i guess you could say...
Monday - Family group counseling (this is for families who have lost someone within the past 6-12 months...I'm rather curious to see other people who are actually going through the same thing as us)
Tuesday - going to see my own therapist (dr. jerry) and then going to my home group (week 2, i'm pretty excited to see if I still feel the same way about it this week as I did last week...I have a suspicion i will...which is good)
Wednesday - dinner with my exroomies at the new hookah eatery/restaurant in town
Thursday - No plan yet...maybe i'll actually allow myself to sit around and do nothing (because on Friday night I'm probably going to visit my VA relatives...)
Also, throughout all of this stuff I have a whole separate to-do list for Lander applications/financial aid stuff.
yea my life has pretty much reached the pinnacle of boring, but I feel as though that may finally be changing. FINALLY. Hooray!
Get ready for a ramble. so went to Lander today. At first i was kind of freaked out just because it is so so soooo very different from Clemson.
I'm used a huge spread of buildings, being able to blend in to a group of thousands if I want, only being social if I want to. Used to 3 a.m. library socializing, 1 a.m. solitary walks giving space to some kid skateboarding - practicing when no one will see him fall, a ride to anywhere just by waiting at the right place...
but then i made a list of pros and cons...Sarah made me actually. And i realized there are so many pros. I took out my emotional attachment, my bad-breakup feelings with Clemson and looked at Lander for itself. The two are incomparable, as Sarah kept saying over and over.
And so while i'm still afraid to get my hopes up that this might actually work out for me (after so many things haven't the past year or so), I am truly happy that i actually have a plan - a set list of things that I can do to make this happen for me. I'm so excited, so nervous, so slightly scared, so curious of what this new place - completely foreign might hold for me.
Now most people might look at the school, the town and scoff at the idea that this is "completely foreign". But it is new to me. I have no attachments here, no baggage, no icky memories. And it's so so so new. I was worried that I would be actually digressing from Clemson in the sense that I like diversity...but Lander actually has a higher ration of diversity as far as minorities, foreign students, etc... and just that in itself, it telling me that I'm actually going to get more exposure to people from different places than I was getting at clemson. Maybe not out of state, but just people from different walks of life, and also from different countries. Most of the soccer team and (when sarah was there) the tennis team is entirely compiled of foreign students. I'm actually really excited.
Also, just from what I've experienced so far I can already see that I'm going to get so much more attention here. From my professors, from administration, from everyone. Another good point someone made was that so many schools become "corporate", a business...but Lander is still there for one thing - the students, and today that showed.
yes I'm quite energized. So energized I'm actually planning to be social tonight (I also feel like wearing a fun outfit and showing off my craxy hair :-) ) instead of thinking up some lame excuse to sit in my pj's eating whatever I can find and watching mindless tv or some crappy movie, or just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
Yes, today was an excellent step forward. I have a plan, and I am declaring this as a movement to retake my life.
(Bobby would say I'm being dramatic...Bobby you would be correct tehe)
assortments of the month past.
make me beautiful
make me
perfect soul
perfect mind
perfect face
the perfect lie
(the engine room)
A lot a lot a of things going on.
#1 - I started going to this thing called a "home group" through the church where Tom works. I was always very skeptical of the whole religious-affiliation/mass-media-worship thing... but i think it's really just i'm very skeptical about the whole God thing (any person who doesn't question that at some point...just by looking around at the crap in the world...should probably take a minute and evaluate their faith. I'm not saying "if you believe you're stupid" I'm saying, believe because you truly have thought about it and have formed your belief/faith around substantial things, not just because it's something that's been shoved into your face your whole life).
Anyway, I started going to a "home group" which is basically a group formed for many reasons:
Reason 1: To discuss the Bible/God/Life/Faith/Belief/Etc in a group setting and applying those to day-to-day life and help give people a group discussion setting to look at different topics and examine the whole picture.
Reason 2: To get to know people in the church on a personal level. I mean, this is a church that has 8,000+ people attending it weekly...so if you just go to a sunday service, you're going to feel like a stranger every single week. By going to a h.g. you form a network within the church.
Okay now the reasons I'm going:
Reason 1: To meet people. I have a few close friends, but I can't hang out with them all the time because they have their lives and I have mine. I don't want to be the girl that doesn't have a social life because she only hangs out with 2 people. Also, by meeting these kind of people, who obviously have a focus on what they want (on some level) I think I'll be able to broaden my own horizons.
Reason 2: To help myself focus. This kind of relates to reason 1. I guess because the past few months I've changed a lot. A LOT. And it's hard to keep putting myself in the same situations that I was in 3 months ago, 6 months ago, 9 months ago, etc. because it's forcing me to return to my own mentalities, or more likely, making me frustrated because i don't like being in these situations and i have no patience for them. I think by making this step towards something so different I will be able to move on to situations that fit who I am now, and also help me not feel so frustrated towards the situations/people that are from a different time.
Reason 3: I want to figure out who God is. I know God exists... I have faith that there is A GOD. An existing force that truly is powerful in ways beyond any ounce of our understanding. And my thoughts on this are very conflicting. I think of God and I think God ignoring my mother's faith. I guess some people would say that she was actually rewarded by receiving her healing through death...as in a new body, a new earth, etc. etc. And I mostly agree with that... If you take out all of the other disgusting, horrible factors, my mother got what she wanted - a cancer free body. I believe that. It's the fact that she had to die to get it that is sickening.
But I want to decide for myself once and for all what I really think about God. I don't want to be loud about it, because even though I've decided to try the whole act of going to Church, because I think my faith is mine. My business. My Faith. No one else's business. Between me and God.
So that is my view on home group. And I'm really excited about it. :-)
#2 - My Hair. My hair is gone and what's left is kinda craxy. craXXXy.
I got it cut up in the back and the angle cut to the front. I know this doesn't sound to fantastic...but when you take into account that i've never ever everrr done something like this to MY hair... it's kinda a big deal.
My hair is basically like a fro because it's so curly and I got red and blonde streaks put into it. When I say red i mean...RED. and in some places it looks pink?
Of course because my hair looks so out-of-control anyway people are freaking out and saying they love it. Of course i am somewhat suspicious and think maybe they're saying the love it because they actually hate it and are trying to overcompensate...hmmm...
Anyway...pics coming soon.
Okay so those are the two biggest events in my life as of late. Church and Hair...ta daaaa!
Oh, and i don't understand why people don't pay attention to Moscow Fashion Week... I mean, I know it's kind of young and getting started and kind of ancient... But I like it. It's so dark. Probably pics of that soon tooooo :-)
