What is this?

I was looking through the things I wrote while I was in California.
I definitely see a change in myself since those things. I'm not sure if it's all good.
I feel like I noticed things more then. I guess it was because I knew no one, sat on a beach all day with my notebook and the seagulls and watched every moving thing under the cover of my huge sunglasses.
And I thought about things more. And I wrote about them.
And then I stopped. And started a blog.
I think that even with this blog, something I strive to keep honest, I am filtering filtering filteringgg.
When I started this blog I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be, a continuation of my California notebook but back at home?
I can't write on here like I did in that book. Because even thought its the sort of thing where I feel like it's all mine, there are people reading it, and no matter how much of an individualist I am (or think I am), and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care... I do.
There ladies and gentlemen.
I said it.
I care what you think. I care what he thinks. I care what she thinks.
And I am filtering my words. Choosing them carefully to take out the offensive ones, putting in the refined, smooth, socially-acceptable verbs, adverbs, adjectives, nouns, et cetera, et cetera, and so on and so forth...

And even by writing on this very subject I am somehow eluding the very thing that is bothering me just now.

And the games go on.

I miss the girl I was on the brink of becoming in California. Maybe one day she'll start to come back, and this time, she won't leave...