haven't written much lately
mainly because everything I could verbalize I'm not supposed to say.
Secrets
Secrets
Secrets
what a perfect day/night to listen to death cab for cutie.
Btw, if you haven't listened to Narrow Stairs...you probably should...
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being best, duh) I give it a 9.45.
Pretty dang good.
I never watch Grey's Anatomy, I watched the season finale from season 4 tonight, and I will never watch it again.
There was a scene where this guy started having seizures because he had a brain tumor.
And I suddenly realized I wasn't breathing, or moving, or anything, and then when I finally started breathing my eyes were watering.
Not crying. Just watering.
Disgusting.
Why watch medical shows when you have your own little lovely clips in your brain?
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
It's named after him for a reason...
at first I was so angry.
and then I cried all the way home with karee on the phone.
Not because i was hurt, but because I was truly sad and frustrated.
I have a list of people I call when I'm upset. And i just keep calling them until one of them answers. Kind of like the meltdown lottery. "Who gets to listen to Susanna's emotional angst todayyyy?!?! YOU WIN!!!!"
What was I so upset about, you may ask.
Some windows stay shuttered.
I didn't do anything today.
Last night my favs came over - karee, koti, and kathryn.
It was completely fabulous. Sarah and Bobby where gone somewhere for their 5th wedding anniversery (crazyyy) so it felt kind of like the house was all mine. Of course this is the point where Sarah would interject and say "it IS yours!!!" and I would roll my eyes and say "you know what I mean" and she would just kind of glare at me... which is fine.
Anyway they came over, we had dinner (everybody brought a dish), drank wine, then changed into our sexy suits (aka. swim suits) and I made mojitos (if i don't know what else to do with my life i think i have the potential to be a bartender ---cause they were freakin awesome) and we steamed in the hottub for an hour or so.
overall a very successful night
Anyway, today I didn't do anything.
I watched the History Channel, then when Sarah and Bobby got home switched to something mindless (aka. CSI, per Sarah's request). And then at 8 started watching the indiana jones special on the History Channel. ...actually it's still on but i've lost interest temporarily and am now blogging... plus my mojito i fixed for my sunday evening enjoyment may have made me a little relaxed (aka increased my ADD).
anyway today was very relaxing, and wiht the help of a fab weekend, plus my mojito, plus the fact that i'm just in a "whatev" mood, i'm not at all stressed.
...and trust me, i have plenty of reasons to be....
xoxo
drove to townville in daylight.
first time in months.
made a minimal difference.
i didn't feel like throwing up. :)
"I feel as though I AM Carrie Bradshaw...something about the situation and the shoes..."
Was losing all my friends
Was losing them to drinking and to driving
Was losing all my friends but I got them back
I am on the mend
At least now I can say that I am trying
And I hope you will forget things I still lack
(Yeah)
Is it in you now?
To bare to hear the truths that you were spoken
Twisted up by knaves
In a trap for fools
Is it in you now?
To watch the things you gave your life to broken
You stoop and build them up with worn out tools
Yeah
Nothing gets so bad
A whisper from your father couldn't fix it
Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span
Take all that you have
and turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans
Yeah
Time to get the seeds into the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before its coming to an end yeah
Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands
Before it's coming to an end, yeah
It's coming to an end
Do you miss the blend
Of colours she left in your black and white field
Do you feel condemned just being there?
I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how to feel
I am not your friend
I'm not your lover,
I'm not your family.
Yeah
Time to get the seeds into the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before it's coming to an end
Yeah
-Brand New, Sowing Season (Yeah)
i am trying to figure out how to think about things i don't know
and
how to talk about things i can't talk about
in other words writing this post was completely pointless...
tomorrow is thursday, next friday.
weeeee!
Kathryn and I are going to do body paint at Bonnaroo.
not during the day because it'd just be gross and sticky and leave weird sunburn lines...
at night when the glow sticks come out.
oh yay. :)
today was interesting
I was greeted at my desk on this fantastic Monday morning by the question "So did your mom have a good mother's day?"
I literally just froze and looked at the woman with this look that im sure completely confused her and said "Yes." Then turned around hoping the conversation would end with a swivel of my chair...
Not.
She continued to ask if my sisters and I went to visit my mother.
I found the most normal tone I could muster and said, "My mother passed away last fall."
Which brought the cascades of sorrys and frets and etc. and etc. and I wanted to die.
Ugggggh, tactlessness+nosy+idiocy+human being=fatally awkward situations for everyone.
Granted, the poor woman had no idea...but then comes the tactlessness and the intruding questions 7 hours later about how awkward it made HER feel and then she had the nerve to ask HOW my mother died.
Taking the advice of a rather intelligent person that has recently showed up in my life, I said, "I don't want to talk about it." And had to repeat myself 3 times before she finally got the point.
In keeping with that advice: I was not rude. I was firm.
Happy late Mother's day. ew.
p.s. Bonnaroo planning has commenced. 29 days. Heck freakin' yes
At risk of sounding like a small whiny child...
...I haven't had a headache like this in a long freakin time.
Maybe it's because i'm severely overtired, or maybe it's because Sarah finally cornered me and made me do a budget (i hate talking about money...but the headache actually occured before then), or maybe it's because I got too much sleep, or didn't take a shower before going to bed (ew), or the fact that today was mother's day and i don't have mine anymore, or that i had way too much caffeine, or that the photo printer ink was screwing up and everything i did didn't fix it, or that the weather was stressing me out (tornadoes scare me)...
Or all of the above.
And maybe you have a headache now after reading this...
Just sharing the love.
these are all out of order.
but basically, dave lee and i went to see radiohead. and it was nearly spiritual...
All right
So this week has absolutely flown.
Tuesday was absolutely disgusting (which is how my tuesdays seem to go as of late...not sure why...) I tried to sit and think about WHY my Tuesday was bad and WHY I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown because Sarah said read somewhere it's good to separate yourself from you feelings...not to not to feel it, but to understand WHERE the feelings are coming from. Anyway, I tried. And then I took a nap. And worked on my bike a little. And took another nap outside.
Yesterday. Wednesday. duh.
Anyway, I don't think anything fantastic happened yesterday.
OH!!!! DUH!!! besides the fact that David's nephew was born! Yes, he is absolutely beautiful! I would totally put pictures on here, but I'm not sure how the fam would feel about their little man being exposed to the outside world so soon. (hehe)
Today was pretty much the same.
More or less because tomorrow is RADIOHEAD!!!!
I'm so ridiculously excited. I'm leaving work about an hour early to meet David and then we're heading to Charlotte. Super super psyched!!!
Pics will be added soon after :-)
Oh, and if you've never seen The Tudors, you probably should.
I'm completely obsessed.
Grief counseling complete.
Um, excuse me Betty Boop, shouldn't we get a diploma.
P.s. You're awesome.
This is going to be a fantastic week.
Actually no, it probably won't be...especially since this new project at work is literally destroying my neck (stress point).
Anyway, I guess, what I'm actually looking forward too is this friday. Going to see RADIOHEAD!!!!
I am beyond excited.
Also today I got a lot of things done. I ordered the missing seat post clamp for my bike and made a whole list of things that need to be done before I can actually make it out to a riding trail, which I'm super psyched about. Until then I'm just gonna ride around the neighborhood... I'm also kind of worried about riding on the trail because I know I'm probably going to puke...but oh well, I guess pushing yourself is what it's all about...
Anyway, so I've got that list going, plus a whole list of things to do for my room. For example, I want to start painting again, so I've commissioned myself to paint something to hang over my bed. Right now it's just a posterboard with random Cali pictures, which is fine...but I have a goal. :-)
I also want to start displaying my photography in my room. More details on that later. AND I HAVE to find a way to store my jewelry. Right now my heavy necklaces are hanging on the back of a chair and my other jewelry is laid out nicely in a drawer on paper towels with my sunglasses...probably not the best way to store it. I also want to get my jewelry box from home so I'll have my nice stuff again. Plus Mama bough it for me. She never got a chance to get my initials on it...but honestly, that's not too important to me, so I'm going to leave it the way she bought it for me. :-)
Oh things to do and people to see (;-) ) and place to go.
Week starts now!
Oh! And tonight was fab. Bobby came in and asked Sarah and I if we'd like to go get ice cream in his super fun little red Beamer. So we did. :-)
Bobby and his toy
drivin' fasttt
and again
It's a beautiful day.
Of course I woke up at 7:15 to my phone about to explode with a text message. A 7:15 text message that was just too dramatic for that hour of the day...
Basically to make a long story short, a person in my life who lately had not been present (which is a positive thing), decided to make an entrance, on cue with a moment of his personal drama and my complete satisfaction with him not being around.
Basically he was letting me know that he had been hurt so I should somehow feel satisfied that he was being hurt in the same way he'd hurt me. But the thing is, I just don't care. And I told him that. With 7:15 a.m. comes this thing called unfailing honesty.
Exact quote from me, "It doesn't make me smile when people are hurting, especially when I don't really care."
I didn't realize that was as brutal as it sounds until I'd sent it and I was like, wait, what did I just say?
And then I felt maybe a little bad because I'm not a mean person, and then I decided not to feel bad and spent the rest of the time before I fell asleep obsessing over the fabulous night before, which I spent with a guy who respects me. RESPECT...what a novel concept.
It was something I never got from dramatic-text-message boy, and something I'm literally in awe of as I get tons of it from "let-me-hold-every-door-for-you-and-act-like-i'm-ridiculously-honored-that- you're-hanging-out-with-me" guy. (not boy.)
So yea, I guess things could've gotten thrown off track a little... at least old Susanna would've obsessed over the fact that I'd gotten that text message, and I guess in a sense I am, but not in the "oh maybe he needs me after all" way, more of the "wow, I totally don't care" way. :-)
Oh Sunny Sundays...
I haven't blogged a lot lately. I haven't felt the need or the desire too. And it's not because there's a lack of things to write about.
There's everything to write about.
New people.
Old people.
People dying.
People Living.
Literally, all of the above.
And on some level I feel numb to it.
Last night I got home from hanging out with a certain someone and Sarah and Bobby didn't really say much but both of them kind of trailed me to my room. That's never a good sign.
"Jennifer talked to grandma today, Uncle EL died." I just kind of looked at Sarah and processed it and literally what I wanted to say was, "Oh well..."
That freaked me out. I am sad that Uncle EL died. He was always one of my favorites. He was one of the ten siblings of which my Grandma was a part and he was literally crazy.
He was funny beyond belief, sometimes to the point of making people uncomfortable if they weren't completely familiar with his sense of humor. He always wore his demin overalls. He sang with his sister Carol. When they were in school people thought they were twins. I feel very sad for Aunt Carol, they were so close. He lived "in sin" with the woman named Polly, aka Aunt Polly and no one even cared... out of our crazy, ultra-religious family, no one cared. Because he was Uncle EL.
And I didn't realize he was getting close to 80. That was probably the biggest shock out of all of this. He was in his late 70s. Kind of a wake up call that people are growing older, my grandparents are growing older. My mother was 50, by no means older...but to some people 50 is everything.
And what's more, he died on May 1st, Mama's birthday. (A bad day for Grandma to be sure)
I feel at peace with it. He went "missing" in the woods on April 30th, but the coroner said he actually died May 1st. As soon Sarah told me this something became very clear to me. Mama was EL's favorite niece. I truly believe that she was with him in the woods. That she took him home. I don't think he died some terrible death, I think he simply stepped out into something more. And that Mama got a wonderful birthday present, Uncle EL to keep her company until the rest of us get there.
And in a sense, I feel that maybe this was Uncle EL's last prank. I mean, it DID take a police search party, numerous search dogs, and at last, a helicopter to find him...
