jennifer's birthday

My favorite time of the week (besides 5:35 p.m. on Friday's when i exit my work building) - Saturday morning at 7:35 a.m. when you wake up with a slight panic because I think i'm running late and then realize - but no, it's saturday and I have all the time in the world.

Well not all of the time, but at least until 9:30ish (which I prefer to 6:25 a.m. ugh...i am NOT a morning person). Today is Jennifer's birthday and we're having her a very 4th grade surprise birthday party, as I call it the "one-balloon-birthday-party", with the gaudy sign that says Happy Birthday and silly string attacks and whatever else the the Dollar General will have. But weren't those always the best parties? Simple, flashy, and fun.

it would be wrong to say i "forgot" it was Jennifer's birthday, because I found her the perfect birthday card like three weeks ago... It's just wierd to think we actually still have birthdays I guess, or at least celebrate them? Sarah for example, didn't want to celebrate her birthday on any level, especially it being the day after our first Christmas without Mama. She was pretty sure about it, didn't want anything - no gifts, not a cake, nothing. We of course didn't listen totally and got a cake while we were at the cabin. But Jennifer never really said one way or the other what she wanted, actually she never really says a lot about how she feels... it's kind of like a perfectly timed portal - when she decides to talk about you'd better listen because you never know when she might decide to talk again. Sarah and I are seriously extroverted, we're the one's with the blogs, the massive temper tantrums (...okay, I'll be honest, Sarah is more than me, at least her temper tantrums are more focused... I'm a wierd mixture of Sarah and Jennifer, I get mad and have freakouts, but my anger usually gets directed at something I'm not actually that mad about at all...). Anyway, Jennifer tends to be more introverted, some people see introverted as "simple" people...Jennifer is not simple. She's one of three of the most crazy individuals I've ever met - Sarah, me, and her.

But I hope it's a good birthday for her, for what it's worth. It's going to be hard. Mama won't be here. Almost every year Grandma and Grandpa (Mama's parents) used to come down on her birthday weekend, but now there's hardly any communication at all...not really sure why, can't pinpoint it. It's going to be hard, but I hope that our tacky banners and immature silly string attacks can save the day.

everyone's "fine"

Today will be a good day. got up and put on tegan and sara (perfect music for a girl who is slightly jaded and a little pissed, but still wants to feel slightly happy - it's not ANGRY angry girl music, just small-caps angry). and now I'm off to the bagel shop because even tho I have bagels in the fridge, it's nice to have someone do it for you. :-)

Oh, and I start seeing a therapist today. should be fun. the first thing he'll ask me is, "so how are you?" and i'll smile ironically and say,

"I'm fine."

because aren't we all?

Yes today I am happy, and taking on the world one punch at a time.

xoxo

planning ahead just a bit

So excited. seeing Radiohead in MAY (to far off) and working on getting to BONNAROOOOO!!! in tennessee. Can't you imagine? 3 days of almost every artist I love...most importantly

SIGUR ROS

If you've never listened to sigur ros you are missing a truly amazing experience. love it hate it whatever. you won't forget it. For example, one of the uses of instrument is the guitarist playing his guitar with a VIOLIN BOW, how freakin awesome is that? They're a band from iceland and they're amazing. In my opinion they're music is based on pure movement, of the world, of people, of emotions, of thoughts...everything, it's beautiful. AND I GET TO SEE THEM!!! They haven't been in the US in like 3 years and they're coming JUST for Bonnaroo! wow.

Anyway, going to bed, corporate america waits for no man (or woman, or me).
all i can say is from now on out I have a new mantra and it goes like this:
Radiohead, bonnaroo, sigur ros, radiohead, bonnaroo, sigur ros, radiohead.... and on and on.

( ) - means nothing

what do you do when nothing makes sense anymore? when you wake up and you're not quite sure why you did? and i realize that this blog is turning into something that even i dont want to read...but honestly, i don't care. I'm just wondering who's wrong here? is it the people i've shut out, did i not give them enough chances? was it my fault because i dwelled to much on my own problems...when people go through this are they over it 5 months later? Because apparently by social standards that what people expect...EXPECT. Stop expecting. Because honestly, just now, 5 months later the shock has just now worn off and i realize what has happened, and i realize what it means, and sometimes just that realization sends me reeling all over again.

She is gone. Gone. gone. GONE.
Never coming back. Never going to kiss me on my wedding day. Never going to hug me when i graduate. Never going to hold my kids. Never going to be in the next room laughing, or yelling, or crying, or whatever. Nothing. there is nothing.

And how can you pick up again when there's just a haze and an ache that will never go away?

this is what a brick to the head feels like

Disclaimer - What other people keep inside i sometimes explode onto a piece of paper. It's healthier that way, better than say crushing hydrocodone and snorting it right?
here it goes...the reason why i will probably have to upgrade my blog to "adult content" or whatever. But I guess I am an adult now, without a mother you're not a child anymore right?

Untitled (or a poem to hate to)
they say love is a thin line away from hate i'd say fuck that, that's not the way it is now on this date here's to hoping you fall asleep and stop breathing but i hope it's not painless i hope you're bleeding on the inside like when you reached inside me and told me the world was just for us to be just friends is what you said and then we kissed and there was ice burning at the other end.
in every word that escapes me I can't tell you feel the disgust i hope the next time you slit your wrists you press a little harder the next time you take a jump you jump a little farther next time you think you love her you have a fucking daughter i hope you watch her (you know) you'd feel like me i wish you'd rip your heart out and then you'd see a fraction of what was what is what will never be i hope you hear every word i say and i hope you know it's all about you but even if it wasn't you'd still say it was true
cause you're just like that you think the world is you you're the world green, black, and blue and you think that nothing's true that this was all just false but i still stayed close... ...I Trusted You...

Lesson of Life (that i'm pretty sure most humans have learned, everyone except me) - don't trust anyone until they've proven they're worth it and don't continue to trust them when they've proved they're not...

i love glowsticks at mini-raves and cotton candy pink bedrooms

Update. Ready go.

This weekend went to visit one of my besties at her school. Needless to say it was a little out of control. Friday night we were in by 12ish, slept ate and watched mindless E! tv all day Saturday, and then hopped between a "mini-rave" (haha fantastic) and a few bands that night – in bed by 2ish, at which point I thought it would be a good idea to text one of my friends back home and got into a fight him…which resulted in a heart-to-heart about grounds of friendship…blah blah blah. It’s all ridiculous and exhausting and I’m seriously starting to outgrow it…

Anyway, drove home pretty early on Sunday and started helping Sarah and Bobby move. SO EXCITING!!! The house is so cute, actually cute is an understatement, it’s kind of one of those things that seems too good to be true…and I’m just living there temporarily, Sarah and Bobby actually OWN it, which just has to be BEYOND amazing. My room is pink pink pink, with a cutie crystal chandelier, absolutely ridiculous really haha. I like pink but this room is SO pink, pepto bismal pink, like cotton candy, like tulips, like middle school fingernail polish…anyway, my point is made. I’m going to paint three of the walls a brownish color (“Barley”) and leave one pink; if I don’t like the pink I’m going to paint the one pink wall green…but I’m pretty sure I’m going to like it.

Last night was hilarious. Sarah and bobby officially moved all of their stuff into the house and Jennifer, Tom, Maggie, Ms. Linda (Bobby’s mom), and Daddy came over and we ordered pizza and had carrot cake. Sarah decided it was a good time to feed Maggie frosting. Maggie is 5 months old and a sugar addict. She also likes to attempt to chew on diet coke cans.

So that is life as of late. I officially have a room, and a closet…I think that’s the thing I’m most excited about, a place to hang my dresses and stack my shoes…ALL of them.

A Lesson on How the Earth Began

God came home to his house today and it was burned straight to the ground And sat there and he touched that ash and didn’t make a sound He had made a man and gave him pain so that he’d know how to feel To feel the rip inside his chest, to find a way to kill…

To kill the thoughts of what he meant and what he never said To watch them all just walk away to give them up for dead And now he sits all alone with his ash blacked golden feet And knows that he did today was nothing short of sweet

God came home to his house today and found her with man of men He pulled a knife from a cutlery rack and stared right at their sin It was spread across the cotton sheets a hair or two not his And he closed his eyes and took a breathe and killed her with his kiss

To kiss a girl so pretty sweet light and feathered thin To watch her just walk away, sun glowing on her skin Now he sits all alone just staring at her face Glass plastic film and wooden frame taken from its place.

God came home to his house today and first created fire It was the only thing you see that could match his desire He watched the flames flicker out, in and out of there And watched the flames leap lick up and singe her crystal hair

To light a match to burn it out the one thing he loved the most To light a match and watch her burn, and blow away the smoke Now he sits all alone in there with his ash blacked golden feet And he knows what he did today was nothing short of sweet. Yes, he knows what he did today was nothing short of sweet.

Can We? ...YES, we can (I Hope)

I have always been the wierd kid that sat around and read encyclopedias for fun, and when my mom asked me what magazine subscription i wanted for christmas, the answer was simple, "time." And now i am excited to announce that for the first time (or maybe, the first time i've taken notice) the world cares, people care, people my age care - and it is amazing. It makes me happy that the last three or four parties i went to there was a HUGE political debate, this of course was mostly people disagreeing, but that's incredible. People care, and when people care things start to happen, and that's the word my friend that is on everyone's lips - CHANGE.
I dont care who you are, who you support, or what your views are this is a year of CHANGE. I mean i could take this time to focus on me personally, because change doesn't even begin to describe my one thread of life in this world...more like catastrophe x 165272435 (that's an approximation of course - could be higher), but it's not all about me for once...
Look at the world around you...
Breathe it in...
Listen...


Do you hear it? Do you see it? Do you feel it?


If you don't then you need to find a way to notice, because it's all around. I can't even put my finger on it... it's more than the politics, the crazy weather, the emerging effects of so many of the population's actions...

It's the finale.

Everything is at a roar, at a climax. Think about it like a wave. More appropriately, a tsunami. I'm not a physical/earth science genius, but i do know it goes something like this:
A tsunami can be caused by underlying plates in the ocean's bed - tremors, earthquakes, whatever.
The tremors cause energy and the energy in some form or fashion begins to move through the water...it's NOT the water moving, it's the energy...
Eventually it reaches an object in its way, and we all know what happens - the water pulls back as the roll of the energy hits land and rises to monsterous porportions, crashing, crushing, demolishing...

The actions of society have been rolling through all of us for years, decades, a century (maybe?) and now it's coming to the surface, the wave is rolling...what will happen?


I don't know. No one does.

We'll have to wait and see.

yay for tree huggers

So today after accidently printing off 30+ extra papers, and feeling like an irresponsible steward of the earth i plopped down in my desk chair and asked the people around me if the company recycled. This answer was met with blank stare and several faces seemed to have a light bulb switched on behind their eyeballs. No. This multi-million dollar functioning body does not recycle. So the two guys who have been here longer than me immediatly got up and went to HR, or whoever they talked to, and a recycling plan is in the works.

Yay for helping the earth survive a little longer. And yay for my diet pepsi can having a non-guilt stricken conscience when it's purpose is done.

:-)

who's who

important people daily.


sisters



friends

back parking lots

cluck-cluck-cluck haha

Last night Sarah and i got royally toasted off of white wine. It was fabulous. I recall running around like a chicken and instead of saying "cluck-cluck-cluck" i was giggling and going "fuck-fuck-fuck"... I think this came from Sarah using the term rather inappropriately (as she too was intoxicated) in a sentence to Bobby and i was trying to make light of the situation... Overall i can honestly say it was a successful night... at least on my part, i'm pretty sure Sarah can't say the same. Apparently the wine didn't exactly agree with her, however, i was definitely out-like-a-light (after, of course, my mandatory drunk-dialing).

Anyway.

I would also like to make a statement regarding a recent epiphany of mine. I will rarely - IF EVER - judge anyone ever again or the following: drug use (of any kind, whether it be perscription or illegal), alcohol abuse, and definitely not limited too suicide. The last one, i'm sure, raises eyebrows. I believe in most cases suicide is a selfish act, because there is always someone in your life that loves you, but then again... when a person is so desperate that they would take their own life, i guess they can't see that anymore... But, i wouldn't know, because I've never been in that situation.

I will risk going on a tangent and say here and now that I am an utter wimp. I don't cut myself because i don't like razors or knives. I don't do illegal drugs (...mostly) because i'm scared of getting caught. I've cut back on public drinking because I'm too close to 21 to risk getting an MIP (minor in possession for those of you who are clean enough to not even know what that means). I've never stolen anything, because, once again, i'm scared of getting in trouble. Basically, i am one of the most un-extreme people you will never know. hooray.

Anyway, back to my first paragraph. I will never judge anyone for any of the above things. Why? Because you NEVER EVER EVER know what's going on inside someone's head, you never know what is truely going on with a person. And whoever is ARROGENT enough to think that they know because they've had an "almost" experience, or "knew somebody once", can go to hell. There's a thin line between relating with a person's issues and then judging for them because you think you know exactly what's going on in their life.

Okay, so I guess the moral of this story comes down to the cliche statement, "You never know until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes." Guess what, you probably wouldn't even know then, try walking nine or ten miles, and maybe you'll have a vague idea.

Listening to Stars "Set Yourself on Fire"

stars album cover

my tattoo

SHARPIES!!!!!!

Writing from work.

Corporate America - Hooray! The beast that waits for no man, keeps things driving. But it keeps the cash coming.
And i must say, can't wait to leave it. Ugh.

And I also just noticed that so far out of three posts of my newly formed blog I have nothing positive to say. I'm kinda like the Eeyore of my friends...no no, i'd rather be the robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Marvin? Marlin? Melvin?...don't remember his name).

Anyway, something positive to say:

In my bland desk in Corporate America, I have an entire pack of sharpies. a TWENTY-FOUR pack of sharpies, and they are glorious. Absolutely glorious.


(my Corporate America artwork to come soon muaha)

open to me

christmas 2007.

Mama died September 17th, 2007.

and this is where most of my anger, frustration, sadness, mood-swings, confusion, distaste-for-odd-things, paranoia, obsessions, temper tantrums, break-downs, stubbornness, bad decisions, at times out-of-control, extravogent behavior comes from.

there is no ounce of understanding in my body on this subject, and next to that, for anyone else whose problems seem less important than mine. Some call that selfishness, they would be correct.

And guess what? i don't care.

a good reason

If I had one picture to describe my current self, I'd have to choose over a thousand. But one the one that would probably be most accurate, would be this one. As you can see I am on the ground, obviously from a slight spill, and bleeding. It is also important to note that there is a Corona beside me and also that there is even a picture of this at all - Both, thanks to my sisters. And the story of this picture is beyond appropriate... It involved my two sisters, Jennifer and Sarah, and Jennifer's husband Tom and 4 month old, Maggie, all in a car together going to visit my grandmother. Long story short - Maggie has a temper tantrum, we pull the car over, I say I wish I could run away, they say "Just run around the parking lot", I do, and I fall, destroying both of my knees, my palms, and losing my shoe. Joys. Anyway, not really sure why I've started to blog. My sisters and I had a blog where we could spew our thoughts out...some sort of therapy I guess in the wake of this shitstorm we know as "Normality" - "Life" - "LIVING." It was also a source of communication between the three of us after I ran off to live in California with my aunt (that lasted a month). Anyway, I came back and I guess the urgency to blog lessened... and then Sarah started her own blog (which is really quite amusing, for anyone who likes to be offended by truly sacrilegious, irreverent dialogue - which I personally love...). I thought about it and I've decided, instead of burdening the few friends I left with my every pain and annoyance - why not send it out into the wide open space of the Internet? Splendid idea really. Truly, I'm not sure how this is going to turn out. Sometimes I think I want a blog all about art, or all about life, or all about fashion, or some nonsense - but the truth is, I just want a place to be myself - all ten of me (which I'm thinking might actually exist...) and maybe, just maybe, if someone came across it that felt the same way as me, or were going through the same things - they would know they weren't completely crazy...or rather, not completely alone.