congratulations to us

So I guess it's been six months and our time has expired. Our time to grieve our mother, according to society, has ended. So today I should feel better, tonight Sarah should be able to sleep, tomorrow Daddy should be able to sit in the rocking chair in his bedroom, and Jennifer should stop having to mother us all. Because it has been six months, and it's over. We should no longer be sad, we should feel grateful for the time we were given, remember the good times - not the seizures and the cold sweat, and the blood on the bedsheet. According to the world, today, our lives should be bright and happy and beautiful.

And today, the world is wrong.

We can function now for the most part. We go to our jobs, take care of the things that need to be taken care of. And sometimes we mean it. But this is still happening to us. And it will continue to happen. It amazes me that people have already forgotten, how could they forget? I guess in the same way I forgot when terrible things happened to other people. There is no way to understand when it's not you. And I realize this. It's just so frustrating.

The world is beautiful, it is. I look around and I see it and it amazes me, but when it's dark and I can't see the world anymore I only have what's in my head, and it's what's inside my head that at times isn't so beautiful. It will always be there. Always. I doubt it's the sort of the thing that fades over time. When you fall and hurt yourself, you're body is physically able to forget the pain, you remember it hurt, but you don't carry that feeling with you for months and months down the road. And this is the sort of pain that you do just that. You carry it with you, learn to function with it, learn to hide it because it makes other people uncomfortable. Learn to live with it. And we are learning, every second we breath, we're learning that we can make it one second more.

Today is the sixth month anniversery of the first day of our new lives. The morning after, when we woke up to this new existance. So congratulations to us.