inflight to cali (somewhere between eastern standard and pacific time)

Okay, so on the plane to Cali. Oddly enough I picked up a wireless connection on my laptop. Sadly enough, for some reason I couldn’t connect… If my lap top is messed up again I might just do something drastic… like, I don’t know, say something mean to it or something. Anyway.

So the trip started at 4:30ish this morning when Daddy came to wake me up. OH. Important side note that really isn’t a side note, but is actually a really big deal.

I spent the night at home last night. In my old room that mama wallpapered blue because I hated flowery wallpaper (and it would require almost complete reconstruction of the walls to paint, so instead of painting, pretty blue wall paper was definitely preferred) and the white plain curtains that she made, once again a compromise because I hate curtains, and she hated no-curtains, so we settled and she made me plain white curtains, very short and mod that would match my white pillow cases. Actually she bought extra pillow cases and made the curtains from them, so the only slightly loopy trim on both are the same. My mother was/is very creative when it comes to figuring things out.

But I spent the night there last night and it actually wasn’t as scary as I though. There was a moment of the person shaking clothes out in the laundry room isn’t Mama, it’s Daddy. Yes, she really is gone sort of moment. I’ve found myself doing that a lot lately. I actually found myself pretending that mama was in the car with daddy when I followed him home last night. I had actually formed this whole scenario that we had all just ate dinner and we were all going to California and Mama was just in the car with Daddy and he was just driving. Maybe this is that stage they call denial… I call it possibly losing my mind. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking that this has just been some terribly cruel prank and Mama’s going to come laughing hysterically into the room one day telling us how “dumb” we are, how silly we’ve been, how could we think that she would ever leave us?

Besides forming a whole string of illusions, my night at home went relatively well…with help I think from the massive dose of Advil (I was actually achy, I didn’t take them just for the hell of it) and some Tylenol PM (yes that was to help me sleep…).

I think Sarah has passed her icky sleep habits on to me on some level. Sarah has this terrible, cracked out nightmares and dreams that always involve picking-out-casket parties, and having cancer but being happy about it… Sometimes I wish I would actually have dreams. Instead I just kind of sleep, waking up with these panicky gasps and wondering what it was that scared me so badly, tossing and turning in a kind-of-asleep state but never actually sleeping, never actually waking up. Result? More under-eye makeup, stronger coffee and giving deathly stares to my least favorite co-worker. I might be utilizing my Tylenol PM a little more often…

Then again stuff like that kind of freaks me out. After my obvious lack of responsibility to deal with medications last fall, any sort of medicine makes me kind of skittish. Even when I took a lot of Advil (because I seriously needed it…girls you understand, guys, you’ll never know) I felt kind of guilty, kind of scared, like maybe I didn’t actually need this, was this too much? What if I started taking this a lot? I still kind of feel guilty about the Tylenol PM…but then again, it’s not like I wasn’t across the hall from the scene of the most horrifying experience of my life… I’m pretty sure I’m allowed a little boost from sleep meds.

So a lot of things going on I guess. Me battling with my ever increasing issues on prescription AND over-the-counter drugs, me pretending Mama is still alive, and me finally stepping out and actually staying at home.

On a lighter note, I think this may be an enjoyable trip. I’ve never really been on a trip like this with Daddy. We went to Charleston once or twice, last fall, but the first time I was a wreck because I’d just withdrawn from school (and after my passive aggressive suicide attempt…there I admitted it, that’s what it was) and the second time I brought Kathryn with me because she’d never been to Charleston (a sin, really). Granted, we’re going out to visit Aunt Gin, so it’s not really a “Hey dad let’s go to California for the heck of it!” but this is definitely something I’ve never done before. And it’s nice.

Oh, and this flight actually hasn’t been as terribly miserable as I feared it would be. I haven’t felt panicky or been too queasy. In fact, I’ve actually enjoyed the view. We flew over the Rocky Mountains, and I looked like a silly tourist and took pictures out the window. But really people, it’s the Rocky Mountains from the air, why not show it when you’re in awe of something?