six months

yesterday's sunset after tornadoes touched down

tomorrow is a day i have been dreading for a while. Well, the dread really starts today because i guess that's when we realized what was actually happening.

Tomorrow is the six month anniversary of mama leaving.

I constantly think about those last two days. Sarah's favorite word is "haunted", and I guess we all are. Absolutely haunted. And it's not even the big leering 17 on the calender that takes us further and further away from her and the life she lead, but it's small things. There is a tree in the back yard and it's beautiful and I want to know what kind it is. Mama would know. If she didn't know she would have a vague idea. but I can't ask her, she can't tell me, and I had to resort to googling, comparing pictures on my digital camera to the one's on the internet... and I still don't really know if it's actually a striped maple - or if that's even a real name of a tree. I don't know and Mama would and she can't tell me.

Yes we are haunted by the big gaping hole. Hole isn't even a good word, more like chasm, abyss, ground zero, the fallout, the zone that's been shut down because it's too dangerous because you might get exposed.

This is the do not enter zone. When mama first left EVERYONE was there, the people we loved, the people we wished would get the hell out, the vultures that lurked around our house waiting, just waiting, that pretended to care about us after they had not darkened Mama's door in months and years, when they knew she was getting more and more sick. And they were around a few days after, even a few weeks after. And now they're gone... not just the vultures, but everyone.

To most people the car crash is over, that horrible pile of twisted metal, the gore and horrific scene that you just can't look away from. It's over. Six months over. And we're left here to wander alone.

Now to be honest, in a way I'm glad, because through all of this we have understood who are true friends are. I have a few true friends, people that have stuck by me even though they don't understand, and maybe they have tried, or maybe they're upset that they don't see exactly what's happening, or maybe they've just recognized that they don't know what I'm going through or why I act the way I do, but they're here just the same. I cannot, and never will be able to express my gratitude to them. I know now who my true friends are.

But even all of that doesn't change the fact that today six months ago I called my sisters and told them something wasn't right, that this was different. And tomorrow six months ago, to the day, Monday September 17 - Monday March 17, the day my world was ripped from me, the day we were shoved out of the safe warmth, the comfortable dimmness, and stood blinking stupidly in this glaring thing called life.

Tomorrow is not just the anniversary of the death of my mother, it's the anniversary of the end of my childhood, the end of life, the end of the relationship with my extended family, the end of so many friendships, the end. the end. the end.

Needless to say I'm taking Sarah's advice and calling into work tomorrow and I don't really care if they think it's a good excuse. I don't care. Tomorrow I'm getting up and calling Daddy and making him come over, or Sarah and I are driving to get him, then we're going to go get Jennifer and Maggie and we're going to go to the park where we used to play when we were little, where Mama used to take us, and we're going to have a picnic and we're going to be together.

unknown tree in the back hard