trip home-ish

so i can officially blog as much as my little heart desires, or facebook, or watch youtube vids or whatever, because - my fabuloush brother in law got his friend to fix my completely demolished laptop. A word to the uninformed - if you are going to a school and tell you that you should buy *this* laptop or *that* laptop...don't listen to them, do the research yourself, and then decide. I had 3 or 4 people tell me to get a Mac aaaaand, of course i didn't listen.

But I guess i'll look on the bright side and say my laptop looks....vintage. And i like vintage. :-)

Tonight we went out to townville. Oddly enough I was driving out there feeling like I was going to my doom... I think maybe that was the theraflu (or whatever that medicine is) telling me that it was fine. (sidenote - I've sworn off all forms of cold/sinus/flu medicine, they make me drunk, loopy and cause me to fall asleep at my desk for unknown amounts of time...).

anyway, so we went out there and it actually went pretty well. As usual there was the gaping hole, as usual we focused entirely on Maggie - who was giggling like a little imp the whole time, toooo precious, she really is a sunshine -, and as usual I avoided looking into Mama's room.

It's funny how I call it Mama's room. not Daddy's room. Of course, Daddy doesn't sleep there anymore, he sleeps in the room with the twin beds, only goes in mama's room to get his clothes. Jennifer and Sarah moved the furniture around and I think that makes it less scary. I walk in and the ghosts aren't as vivid... actually that's a lie, they're just as vivid as they were the morning after. Nevermind.

Anyway, the trip wasn't so bad, it was just toward the end when we all know it's time for us to go, and the sick feeling that Daddy's in that house all by himself. I wish he would move nearer to us. It was so nice last week when he stayed with jennifer those few days, even though it was only because of his surgery, but it was nice to have him around... and I feel like by leaving him tonight, we left him to fight the ghosts all on his own, like he does everynight. That house is so quiet. There's no noise there, that's why i like staying with Sarah and bobby, there's noise here. We live right next to the hospital so there's a constant flow of comings and goings, sirens, cars... I love the noise... and then I go out there and it's dead silence around that house, outside and in, and plenty of shadows.

I know it's odd to say after that tangent, but maybe things are getting better? or maybe I've just fooled myself into believing that. Six months this month on the 17th since she's been gone. Six months. nothing just flows normally, time is either crawling, pulling at my ankles, or slipping through my fingers, gone in an instant and I don't remember how it was spent either way.

It's got to change soon. It has to... if something so good could change for the bad, maybe something has to happen for this to even out on some level. Or maybe we'll just get used to it, this feeling, this hole, we'll just forget what it felt to NOT have it and that's when we'll be able to pick up and move on and look at pictures with a blank stare, not understanding who we were back then, and not understanding how it all became so sickening, but able to shake it off, put the pictures back in their boxes, and move on.

Goodbye day, hello sweet night, and hello sleep where maybe my dreams can offer some relief.